Asexuality: Understanding Ace Identity

By Callie Feldman

Natalie sat across the table from her boyfriend, his hands outreached, grasping hers. He caressed her hands and gently said “I think we are ready.” Natalie knew what he was referring to and felt a wave of discomfort wash over her, as Natalie is coming to terms with her asexuality. She glanced back at the man she loved wondering why she has no interest in what is expected of couples in love. He’s Natalie’s dream: handsome, successful, and thoughtful. What is wrong with me that I feel this way? She thinks, Everyone wants this but me. 

Most people are familiar with the LGBTQ+ acronym. But, what does the “+” even stand for? The acronym has recently been modified to be more inclusive of more sexualities, being expanded to LGBTQIA+, standing for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (or questioning), intersex, and asexual. According to the The Human Rights Campaign, asexuality “refers to a complete or partial lack of sexual attraction or lack of interest in sexual activity with others.” This is not to be confused with the decision to remain celibate. Celibacy is a choice that sexual and asexual people alike can decide is right for them. Not everyone who is asexual is celibate, and not everyone who is celibate is asexual. 

Ace Identity

Asexuality, like gender and attraction, exists on a continuum.. Think of asexuality as an umbrella, with numerous other identities falling underneath. According to The Trevor Project, “Asexual people — also known as “Ace” or “Aces” — may have little interest in having sex, even though they desire emotionally intimate relationships.” Within the ace community, there are many ways for people to identify.

Common terms and identities on the asexual spectrum include:

  • Demisexual: People who  experience sexual attraction only after they form a strong emotional connection with another person.
  • Grey-A: People who identify somewhere between sexual and asexual.
  • Queerplatonic: People who experience a type of non-romantic relationship in which there is an intense emotional connection that goes beyond a traditional friendship.

It is important to understand that while asexuality is part of someone’s identity, people may also identify within another community as well. For example, a person may identify as bi-romantic, meaning that they are attracted to two or more genders without an interest or having little interest in a sexual relationship with them. 

Asexuality Challenges

In a society both obsessed with and confused about sex, asexual individuals often face challenges both from the general population and within the queer community. According to Emma Williams, therapist at Life Counseling Institute, “One of the biggest challenges is a lack of understanding from others. In exploring and sharing their identity as asexual they might be told by a partner, friend, or loved one, ‘You just haven’t had good sex yet,’ ‘That’s not real,’ or ‘Wow, what a waste.’ Fast reactions and misunderstandings of identities can lead to difficulty in building healthy relationships and setting desired boundaries without shame and fear.” People have a general misunderstanding of asexuality and often misinterpret it as a lack of positive experience or being with the wrong person, and misattunement can leave the person feel alone, misunderstood, and ashamed.

As a result of being misunderstood, ace people often feel separated from others, especially in the dating world. They may feel like it’s difficult to relate to their peers, particularly at certain stages of life, when everyone is talking about physical attraction and sex. Asexual individuals feel secluded from romantic connection whether straight or LGBTQ.  Asexual people can also feel ostracized within their own queer community, by other queer people, who have a different sexual orientation but are sexual and may not understand asexuality. Asexuality is unfortunately viewed as a character defect as opposed to a legitimate sexual orientation that comes with its own set of challenges. 

Asexuality Community

According to the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, asexuals make up roughly 1% of the population. While this is a relatively small number, the community of individuals who identify as being on the asexual spectrum is growing… not because being ace is “trendy” or new, but because asexuality is becoming more visible. People are able to connect with others in ace spaces to share their experiences. There are numerous organizations advocating for the inclusivity and visibility of ace folks, such as the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) and the Aromantic-spectrum Union for Recognition, Education, and Advocacy (AUREA), just to name a couple. These organizations connect ace people to one another and organize events to facilitate a sense of  community and belonging for ace individuals. There is a growing community on social media as well that helps asexuals build connection but also educates non asexual people about this identity. 

Although asexuality may feel isolating, there is a huge community of people experiencing and navigating similar feelings, joys, and challenges.  Seeking counseling with an informed therapist can also help individuals sort out identity issues and the challenges of being asexual in our current society. 

 

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