As parents, we all want the best for our kids. We strive to provide a home full of love, safety, and support. But sometimes, even in families that seem to be doing everything right, something important is missing—validation. Validation may not always be something we think about consciously, but its absence can have a huge impact on our children’s emotional well-being.
In this blog, we’re going to explore how invalidation affects children and teens, why it’s so traumatic, and how you, as a parent, can work toward creating a more validating environment. We’ll also talk about how counseling can be a resource for both parents and kids when emotional struggles like depression and anxiety show up.
What Is Invalidation?
In simple terms, invalidation is when a child’s feelings or experiences are dismissed, ignored, or belittled. It might sound like, “You’re overreacting,” “Just get over it,” or “You shouldn’t feel that way.” At first glance, these might seem like small comments, but over time, they can cause a lot of harm.
For kids and teens, who are still learning to understand and express their emotions, invalidation can feel like a direct attack on their very sense of self. When a child is repeatedly told their feelings don’t matter or aren’t worth taking seriously, they may begin to doubt their own emotional experiences. They might start thinking, Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe my feelings aren’t valid or important. Maybe I’m not important.
This is a recipe for self-doubt, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.
Why Invalidation is Traumatic
The trauma of invalidation comes from its deep emotional impact. When children feel unheard or misunderstood, it can lead to a sense of isolation and hopelessness. They start to internalize the belief that their emotions don’t matter, or worse, that they themselves are unworthy of love and attention.
Children and teens often rely on adults to help them make sense of their emotions. Without that guidance, they can struggle with emotional regulation, which can lead to overwhelming feelings they don’t know how to manage. This is where depression and anxiety can show up, as kids may become consumed by negative thoughts about themselves or the world around them.
“With invalidation a child learns, ‘I can’t come to you with this need,’ so when that child or teen grows up and faces hardship, they may think their feelings don’t count or have difficulty asking for support.”- says Marisa Seper, LCSW, a therapist at Life Counseling Institute in the Chicago area
The Hidden Harm in “Good” Families
It’s important to recognize that invalidation can happen in families where parents are otherwise loving and well-meaning. You don’t have to be an abusive parent for your child to feel invalidated. Even “good” families can still be emotionally harmful in subtle ways. This can happen if a parent unknowingly dismisses their child’s feelings or fails to respond to emotional needs in a compassionate, understanding way.
Parents may not have been validated themselves when they were growing up, which makes it harder for them to recognize what validation looks like or how to practice it. This doesn’t make them bad parents, but it does mean that they may need some guidance to understand how to better support their child’s emotional needs.
“Sitting with emotions with your child can be hard, particularly when you didn’t have someone to sit with your emotions as a child.”- says Seper.
Challenging Behavior and the Need for Validation
When kids and teens feel invalidated, they often express their pain through challenging behaviors. They may become withdrawn or angry, or act out in ways that are hard to understand. These behaviors are often a cry for help, an attempt to be seen and heard. But when a child’s emotional struggles are met with invalidation, it only deepens the sense of frustration and loneliness.
A child who is feeling dismissed may not be able to articulate why they’re upset or what they need. This is when a pattern of escalating frustration, tantrums, or defiance can develop, all of which can create more tension at home. It’s easy for parents to get stuck in the cycle of punishing bad behavior without addressing the underlying emotional distress.
Validation vs. Agreement: You Don’t Have to Agree to Validate
One of the most common misconceptions about validation is that it means agreeing with everything your child says or does. That’s not the case at all! Validation doesn’t mean you have to approve of your child’s actions, but it does mean acknowledging their feelings and experience as real and important.
For example, if your teen is upset because they didn’t get invited to a party, you don’t have to agree with the idea that it’s the end of the world. You can still validate their feelings by saying something like, “I can see you’re really hurt by not being invited. That must feel really disappointing.” You’re letting them know that their feelings matter, even if the situation itself is something you can’t change.
Setting Boundaries with Compassion
Another important point is that validation doesn’t mean giving up on boundaries or limits. Parenting isn’t about giving kids everything they want. It’s about helping them navigate the world while providing structure and emotional support. Setting healthy boundaries is still essential, but doing so in a way that shows you respect and understand your child’s feelings makes all the difference.
For example, if your child is struggling with their screen time or homework, it’s possible to set limits while still acknowledging their frustration: “I understand that you’re frustrated about the amount of time you’re spending on schoolwork. It’s hard, but we still need to stick to the plan.” In this case, you’re validating the emotion (frustration) without letting go of the boundary.
How Counseling Can Help
If you’re struggling to understand how to create a more validating environment, or if you’re noticing signs of depression or anxiety in your child, counseling can be a powerful resource. Therapy can help both kids and parents work through emotional challenges and learn better ways to communicate. In addition, we offer parent coaching to help you understand how to be more effective in your parenting and how to validate your child’s emotions in a healthy, compassionate way.
Counseling can also help both parents and children develop better emotional regulation skills, so everyone in the family feels more understood and supported.
Final Thoughts
Invalidation can leave lasting emotional scars, but the good news is that change is possible. By learning how to validate your child’s feelings, you create a foundation of trust and emotional safety that can help protect them from anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.
Says therapist Seper: “Validation can be very hard in the beginning. It’s natural to not know what to say or go into fixing mode because of panic! Remember, just sitting in the moment and providing a space and a listening ear for your child is just as healing and is Validation!”
If you’re struggling with this, don’t hesitate to reach out for support—whether it’s through counseling or parent coaching. Your child’s emotional health is worth the effort, and with the right tools, you can help them build a stronger, more resilient sense of self.
If you have questions or want more information on how to support your child emotionally, we’re here to help.
