By Zuly Ramirez, LCPC
If you have anxiety, there’s a very good chance you also have a complicated relationship with shame. Anxiety shows up… and then shame immediately pulls up a chair and says, “Hi, I’m here to make this worse.” Shame and anxiety often visit us together, unfortunately.
Suddenly it’s not just anxiety…it’s anxiety about having anxiety. You’re anxious, embarrassed about being anxious, frustrated that you’re embarrassed, and wondering how everyone else seems to be calmly existing while you’re mentally rehearsing conversations from three years ago.
This combo is incredibly common. And no, it does not mean you’re weak, dramatic, or doing life wrong. But it can sure feel that way.
Why Do People Feel So Ashamed of Their Anxiety?
A big reason is that anxiety doesn’t fit the “together adult” image we think we’re supposed to have. Gia Hill, therapist at Life Counseling Institute in Willowbrook and Park Ridge, Illinois, says, “ In our culture, we’re told–directly or indirectly–that being successful means being calm, confident, and emotionally steady. And anxiety sure feels like the opposite of that.”
So when your heart is racing or your thoughts won’t stop, it can feel like a personal failure. You might look around and think, Everyone else seems fine. Why am I the only one losing it in the grocery store?
But here’s the thing: anxiety is mostly invisible. You’re comparing your internal chaos to other people’s carefully curated exteriors. Plenty of people who look relaxed are dealing with panic, worry, social anxiety, OCD, or intrusive thoughts…they’re just better at hiding it. And just as you can’t see their anxiety, they usually can’t see yours (even when it feels like it has flashing neon lights!).
Shame also creeps in because many people know their fears are excessive. Therapist Hill says, “That awareness often turns into self-judgment: ‘This doesn’t even make sense. Why can’t I just stop?’”
What Shame Sounds Like in Your Head
Shame has a very specific voice, and it is not kind. It tends to say things like:
- “Why can’t I get it together?”
- “This is ridiculous.”
- “Other people wouldn’t react like this.”
- “What’s wrong with me?”
- “If anyone knew how anxious I really am, they’d judge me.”
A lot of people also get stuck in endless why questions:
Why am I so anxious? Why does this keep happening? Why can’t I just be like a regular person?
These questions feel productive, but they’re usually an attempt to get certainty. Anxiety loves certainty. Unfortunately, anxiety is also terrible at providing it. So the brain keeps spinning, analyzing, and replaying, like a browser with 37 tabs open and no idea which one started playing music.
A Very Relatable Struggle
Take “Michelle” (not a real name, but an emotionally accurate composite person). Michelle dealt with constant anxiety and was deeply ashamed of it. Every time her heart raced or her thoughts spiraled, she immediately told herself to calm down. Which, shockingly, never worked.
Michelle spent a lot of energy pretending to be fine: canceling plans, overpreparing for conversations, replaying everything she said, and wondering why she couldn’t just handle things like a normal person. The anxiety wasn’t even the worst part anymore. The worst part was the constant self-criticism.
What eventually helped Michelle wasn’t forcing the anxiety to disappear. It was learning–slowly, imperfectly–to stop treating it like a personal defect. Naming it. Observing and understanding it. And getting support instead of trying to power through alone.
Why Shame Makes Anxiety Worse (Yes, Worse)
While we might thing that shaming ourselves for our anxiety will help it calm down, it actually does the opposite. The reason is, When you’re ashamed, you’re more likely to hide what you’re feeling. You might avoid anxiety-provoking situations, keep your anxiety secret, or try to “fix” it by overthinking it to death. But secrecy increases distress. Hiding anxiety tells your nervous system that something dangerous is happening, which keeps anxiety revved up.
Shame also fuels unhelpful coping behaviors like rumination, reassurance-seeking, mental checking, or compulsions. These might help briefly, but they keep anxiety alive long-term.
Another issue is that shame pulls your attention inward. Instead of being present, you’re monitoring your body, judging your thoughts, and trying not to feel what you’re feeling. This internal focus becomes a form of resistance…and anxiety loves resistance. The more you resist anxiety, the stronger it gets. Conversely, when you learn to accept it (no, you don’t have to like it!), the less power it has.
Over time, having not only anxiety but also shame about it can make life start to feel smaller. You stop doing things you care about because you’re trying to avoid anxiety and the shame that comes with it.
You Were Never Taught How to Cope With Anxiety (Seriously)
Here’s something important to know: people aren’t supposed to automatically know how to handle anxiety. Seriously, when were you ever taught how to handle it? When were you taught what to do when your heart races, your thoughts spiral, or your body decides a work meeting is a life-or-death situation. You probably didn’t have a class in middle school called “How to Respond When Your Nervous System Freaks Out.”
So when anxiety shows up and you don’t manage it well, that’s not a failure…it’s a lack of instruction. This is one reason counseling for anxiety can be so helpful. Therapy for anxiety isn’t about fixing yourself for being broken; it’s about learning skills you were never given. Having someone help you understand anxiety, reduce shame, and practice responding differently can make a real difference. Sometimes progress doesn’t come from trying harder. It comes from finally getting help.
How to Be Less Ashamed of Your Anxiety
You don’t have to become instantly confident and fearless. Small shifts matter. Here are some ways to cope with the shame you experience with your anxiety:
- Change how you talk to yourself.
When you notice thoughts like “Why can’t I get it together?” try something more honest and kind:
“This is hard, and this means I care.” Anxiety often shows up because something matters to you. - Stop interrogating your anxiety. Instead of asking “Why am I so anxious?”, try “What matters to me right now?” The first question fuels rumination. The second reconnects you with your values, and you should act according to them, not whatever stuff your anxiety is feeding you.
- Allow instead of fight.
Acceptance doesn’t mean liking anxiety. It means observing it without trying to push it away, a skill often taught in anxiety counseling. - Let it be seen.
Sharing your anxiety with a therapist, friend, or support person reduces shame and builds resilience.Try telling a few trusted people that you struggle with anxiety. Author David Carbonell, in his outstanding book The Worry Trick, says, “Breaking the secrecy trap involves selectively sharing your struggle with trusted friends or loved ones. This can provide you with support, understanding, and a more realistic perspective on your worries. It also involves educating your support people about what is helpful and unhelpful in responding to your worry.” - Remember: this is not intuitive.
Coping with anxiety often means doing the opposite of what anxiety tells you to do. That takes practice and time…and often, professional counseling for anxiety.
A Kinder Way Forward
Anxiety is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. Shame might feel automatic, but that doesn’t mean it’s accurate. And it’s learned…which means it can be unlearned.
When you respond to anxiety with curiosity instead of judgment, honesty instead of secrecy, and values instead of fear, things start to shift. And for many people, counseling for anxiety plays a key role in that process: not by fixing them, but by helping them understand themselves with more compassion.
And honestly? That’s a pretty good place to start.
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