Is your teen struggling with their mental health? If so, that can be scary for any parent, and you might be wondering if counseling could help.
The first question that comes to mind, of course, is, How the heck will I get them to go? You’re expecting an eye roll, slammed doors, a flat-out refusal, or a big fight…the thought of even bringing up counseling for your teen can seem like a daunting prospect.
Does My Teen Need Counseling?
First of all, let’s discuss some signs that your teen might need counseling. You might notice they are struggling in school or don’t want to go. Maybe their grades are going down, when before they used to do well. Maybe they isolate themselves in their room, seem depressed, are anxious all the time, or are irritable or angry much of the time. These are indeed signs that you’re on the right track…your kid could use some help…but how to get them there is a whole other issue!
The good news is that there are strategies you can use to help this conversation go better. The key is to approach your child with empathy, compassion, and patience and recognize that this might be a process, not a one-time conversation. Here are some ideas that might be helpful.
Why Your Teen Might Resist Counseling
Before we dive into how to have a conversation about teen counseling, it can be helpful to understand why teens might resist counseling. It’s important to recognize that they’re not just being difficult. Have you ever personally found making a decision to do something new really hard? Same thing here for your teen! Here are some issues that your teen may be facing when they think about going to counseling:
- Their mental health condition itself is telling them they shouldn’t go. For example, depression tends to make us feel hopeless. Your teen might be taking that as truth, when in fact things are not hopeless and counseling can in fact help! Anxiety might tell them that counseling will be really scary…also not likely true, particularly once they’ve tried it.
- They’re afraid of being judged. Although there is way less stigma around mental health these days, it can still be hard for teens to admit they need counseling. They might think it means there’s something wrong with them. It’s important to point out that literally everyone struggles at times and that mental health care is just like going to the doctor.
- They might also think they don’t need counseling because they can talk to you or talk to their friends. But they need to know that talking to a counselor is different. They’ll be getting an outside perspective and won’t have to filter what they say, and the therapist is trained to help and give them strategies for coping that friends and family don’t have.
So How, Exactly, Do I Start This Conversation about Teen Counseling?
OK, so this part is critical. Make sure you are gentle, open, and caring in how you go about this. How you start the conversation is key. According to Emily Lytle, therapist at Life Counseling Institute in suburban Chicago, “It’s really important that parents are gentle, open, and caring when discussing counseling with their teen. How you start the conversation is key.” Lytle suggests parents be validating and emphasize their teens strengths, while also suggesting the need for help.
You could make statements such as:
- It seems like things have been very hard lately. I’m wondering if it would help for you to talk to someone besides me or your friends?
- I wonder if talking to someone could help you feel less overwhelmed.
- You are such a great kid—so fun and caring and smart—and I hate to see you struggle so much. I’m thinking a counselor could also see these qualities and help you figure out how to navigate all this.
As you can see, these statements invite conversation rather than resistance. And remember, counseling for teens is a process, not a one-time conversation. The goal is not to just get them there, but to get them to see the need to go…to get them onboard. Lytle says, “Although it’s okay for your teen to be hesitant or have some ambivalence, it’s good if they are curious about how it might be helpful. We know that teens who are clearly resistant and adamantly opposed to it aren’t likely to benefit.”
What Should I Not Say?
First, make sure to attend to your tone and watch your wording. Definitely avoid control battles, which will cause resistance in any teen. The more you push, the more they’ll resist.
Don’t say:
- You have to go or else
- “If you don’t go, I’m taking away your phone.”
Do Say:
- “I’ve been thinking about how hard things are for you right now, and I want to help.”
- “Would you be open to trying this a few times before deciding it won’t work? I’m thinking you might be surprised that it can be helpful.”
- It is totally normal to need support at times. Everyone does. I find counseling to be so helpful myself.
Model Openness to Counseling
Kids learn the most from what you do, not from what you say. So it’s important to take a look at whether you yourself have demonstrated openness to getting help. If you’ve been to counseling yourself, that will go miles in helping your child be open to it as well. You can say, “I saw someone last year, and it was so helpful. I think it’s so normal to get extra support from someone who can really listen and knows how to help.”
Pay Attention to Finding a Good Fit for Teen Counseling
Make sure your teen knows that you’re open to making sure the therapist is a good fit. Tell them, “Why don’t you try it maybe two or three times, and then we can see how it’s going?” Not every therapist will be a good fit, so be sure to tell them that finding a good match matters, just like finding the right doctor or coach, and that you’re open to that.
Own Your Part
You know what really goes miles for teens? When parents can own their part in the problem. If you suspect that your teen struggles in part because of problems in the family or struggles you’ve had in parenting, say so! You can say, “I know I haven’t always handled things in the best way, and that has made things more difficult for you. I’m doing all I can to correct that and yet I know there’s been fallout for you, and I’d love for you to have someone to talk to so that you can feel better.” Although this can be difficult, modeling ownership and vulnerability can greatly help both you and your teen.
Remember, Conversation about Teen Counseling Is a Process
Remember, getting your teen onboard with counseling isn’t a one-and-done conversation. It can take time, patience, and some setbacks. But warmth, openness, curiosity about your teens thoughts–and a good connection with your child–are critical in helping them take that first step. Many teens who are resistant to counseling end up enjoying it once they try it. Your steady, supportive approach can make all the difference in getting them there.
If you’re ready to explore teen counseling, we’re here to help. Give us a call anytime; we’re here for both you and your teen!
