By Mindy Rothman, LCPC
When I was three, my family got a German Shepherd named Lightning. We essentially grew up together and I loved her more than anything. Years later, during my freshman year of college, I got a call: they had put her down that afternoon. No warning, no chance to say goodbye. I was devastated. For a long time after, every time I visited home, I still expected to see her little nose peeking through the kitchen curtains as I walked up to the door.
Today, I’m a cat parent to two rescues, my first pets as an adult. They were gifted to me by the “pet distribution system” (found under a car). I never wanted cats before, but I had been so sad, lonely, and deeply depressed when they came along. Honestly? They rescued me. I used to be terrified of getting pets because I knew I would lose them, but my life is forever changed for the better because of them.
As a therapist who still carries the loss of a childhood pet, I know this pain is incredibly deep. If you’re struggling, finding dedicated pet loss support can help you navigate these complex emotions.
What is Disenfranchised Grief?
The death of a pet is uniquely categorized as disenfranchised grief. This means it is a type of loss that isn’t always recognized or validated by the people around you. Many view pets as “just an animal,” so pet parents often feel forced to mourn in silence.
Grief doesn’t always start when a pet dies, either. If you have a senior animal or a sick pet, you might find yourself crying over them while they’re still here. This is called anticipatory grief, and it’s your heart’s way of trying to prepare for the inevitable loss of a pet you love so deeply.
The Grievers
If you were the sole caretaker, it can feel incredibly lonely. The attachment bonds we form with our animals are truly unique.
“People often feel guilty for grieving a pet more intensely than they did a human relative,” says Alexis McCall, therapist at Life Counseling Institute. “But our relationships with our animals are entirely uncomplicated. They don’t argue with us, don’t hold grudges, and they see us at our absolute worst and still think we’re perfect. Losing that level of pure safety is a massive heartbreak.”
It’s important to remember that households are often divided. Other family members might feel indifferent, and that’s okay. Try not to project your grief on them, but remember there is nothing wrong with you for being heartbroken, either.
The Heavy Weight of Secondary Losses
When a pet passes, you also grieve the loss of your daily routine. This is what therapists call a secondary loss. You’re losing the 7am walk, the sound of jingling tags, or the chore of cleaning a cage or tank. Your schedule suddenly has empty pockets of time that feel heavy and disorienting. Your brain is essentially a GPS trying to calculate a route to a destination that no longer exists.
Feelings of guilt can also pop up, especially if you had to make the hard decision to euthanize your pet due to financial constraints or terminal illness.
“Making the choice to say goodbye to a pet is a heartbreaking paradox,” says Alexis. “You’re choosing to break your own heart so that theirs doesn’t have to hurt anymore. It’s the ultimate act of love, but it’s also a heavy burden to carry. If you’re drowning in ‘what-ifs’ right now, please remind yourself that you made the most compassionate choice you could.”
Strategies for Coping with Pet Loss
Be gentle with yourself as you grieve and when deciding what to do with their belongings. There is no right timeline. If seeing the food bowl breaks your heart, put it away. If leaving their bed set up brings you comfort, leave it.
When you feel ready, here are a few ways to process your grief and memorialize them:
- Donate their items. Giving gently used items to a shelter helps another animal in need.
- Plant something living. Put a tree, flower, or houseplant in a spot they loved.
- Create a keepsake. Frame a favorite photo or make a shadowbox with their collar.
- Make a donation. Give a financial gift in your pet’s name to a rescue.
- Keep your connections. Take time, but don’t isolate yourself completely from friends.
- Seek professional grief counseling. You do not have to carry this weight alone.
Dos and Don’ts for Supporting Someone Through Pet Loss
If you’re trying to support a grieving friend or family member, keep these basic guidelines in mind:
What to do
- Validate their feelings. Acknowledge that their pet was family.
- Say their pet’s name. Pretending they never existed feels much worse.
- Listen without judgment. Simply tell them you’re sorry for their loss.
- Offer practical help. Offer to walk their other dog or run an errand.
What to avoid
- Never say “it was just a pet.” This completely minimizes the relationship.
- Don’t tell them to get over it. You cannot put a time limit on that bond.
- Skip the platitudes. Phrases like “everything happens for a reason” dismiss raw pain.
Final Thoughts on Grief Counseling
Loss affects your emotional health, your routines, and even your immune system. If you’re struggling with the death of a pet, please reach out. You don’t have to suffer in silence, and professional grief counseling can help you process this loss and find a path forward.
Mindy works with adults and couples. She focuses extensively on grief and is a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling. She works with anxiety and depression using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and with couples using emotion-focused therapy (EFT).
- How to Cope with Pet Loss: A Guide to Finding Support - July 6, 2026
